Alone And Awesome… Sometimes
Good day to you, my fine blog-stalking peoples!
It has been much too long since last we spoke. Lately my energy has been low and I’ve been falling asleep as soon as I get home from work, and also sleeping in on the weekends—which I never used to do. It could be from bad nutrition, or stress, or even work. I think it is a mixture of all three. The fact is, I’m just not sure how to deal with my life right now.
All at once, there are changes happening around me. work related, friendship related, car related, health related, etc. Some things have been building up for a while and only now decided to come to a head, while others “jumped me” from behind.
For the past year and a half I’ve been living with my sister. We worked out a half’n’half deal and the apartment is closer to things I love, so I am happy with the choice. There is only one small issue—I forgot how it feels to be alone.
When you live with someone—a family member, your significant other, a friend, etc.,—there is this sense of dependence that comes. It trickled into my life over the last year and I am now discovering that I don’t make a move with my life until I have told my sister. When I noticed this, I realized I was no long “free” in my life like I used to be.
I used to take walks, go shopping, write, and sit by the window with tea. I didn’t care what other people thought of me. Now I ask my sister if she wants to go for a walk, or go shopping, and it’s taking away from my “me” time. And at times if she says no, I ditch the idea and stay at home.
This, my blog-stalking friends, is a misery. A misery I did not notice all at once. It crept up on me and, like a poison, slowly infected my system.
There’s also another issue I’m having. I often find myself thinking, “I’ll die one day, so what use is it to hone my character and accomplish my goals?”
Have you felt this way? It sucks.
I’m being honest here. Healing starts when you accept there’s an ailment that needs attention. This is my ailment, and this is my acceptance. I’m sure this isn’t the last, or even the first, time I have felt this way. Things like this come in seasons and sometimes our minds take over and make it seem worse than it really is.
Of course I should hone my character—there are people in the world that need a strong and confident individual to look up to, or to lean on in times of trouble. How dare I try to destroy myself when I know for a fact there are people who rely on me and my personality to be there when they need me.
And of course I should try to accomplish my goals—when is all said and done and I pass away, I need something to pass on to the generation that follows me. Even if it goes directly to my nieces and nephews, at least they would have more than they expected, (nieces and nephews, because I have no plans to bear children. May change later, but isn’t right now, so there you go). And also, one needs a hobby to keep them out of trouble.
Rabbit trails are fun.
So! Back to my post.
While I’ve been sitting around wishing things were different, my current state of mind didn’t let me remember that, if you don’t like it, you need to change it. Meaning I need to get off my butt and do something!
My schedule has been like this: go to work, come home, nap, kill time, then going to bed. Other days I went to work, came home, napped, went to karate, then came home and went to bed. There’s really no living in that life. The only “living” I did was when I went to class, which that’s a great life, but whenever I’m there I wish I never had to leave…
Home is where the heart is, and my heart seems to remain in the dojo. It’s sad there are only two classes a week. I wish I could remain there more often. Maybe one day things will be different. That, or I need to learn how to take the dojo with me so I am never away from it…
It seems that I’ve just turned this post into a rant about how my life has fallen out of my hands and I need to remember how to gather it up and play the game again.
Life really is a game, you know. We learn the rules, and bend them as we can and try to get ahead of the other players. The finish line is the same for us all, and that is the thought that’s been depressing me. Some mornings I can’t stand how this cycle keeps going in the same direction, with the same problems, and sometimes I just wish it would stop, even if that meant the end of the world…
I read somewhere a list of things in life I needed to accept. One of these things, the only one I can remember, is that life will end.
People I love will die, and then I will as well. It’s something we can’t pretend to not know. I look around at my family and friends and I pray for them, but in the back of my mind I dread the day when I start to lose people. I’m determined to show them I love them so they never have reason to doubt, but I’m not that good at it.
I’ve never been good at expressing emotions properly. When I’m sad I look furious, when I’m furious I look sad—that continues to confuse me, actually. I don’t understand how people can see those two emotions swapped. Only once my best buddy commented that I looked sad, and I was sad, so I was impressed.
Well, my rant just keeps growing, doesn’t it? I’ve almost touched on all topics of why my life has been crumbling apart.
The sad thing is I can’t remedy all these problems for you.
Some of you may have been reading, nodding your head, relating to the issues, and now are waiting for the Grant Reveal as I explain how I’ve overcome this stuff.
Well, I haven’t yet.
I have taken my “me” time more seriously, and I would suggest taking time to step out of your comfort zone, even if you really don’t want to, because you’ll come back feeling accomplished, and that is a great feeling.
Another thing I’ve been doing, (since I am a Christian), is spending more time speaking to God about things I’m having trouble getting over and seeking his guidance. My body hates me, my life is a mess, and I have really no direction on what to do to fix it, so I know I need to be still in His presence and wait for Him to make clear what I should do next.
This is now my storm to endure. The storm could last years, or it may be over tomorrow. I don’t know, but at least I know it will end and I will come out of this a stronger person.
So, if you take anything from this post, I hope it is the knowledge that no one has an easy life. I’ve had ups and down just like you. One thing may have ended badly, but that most likely made room for something marvelous to take its place.
Be strong. Keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel and you will find it.
I have a book and some tea calling my name. Not to mention two loads of laundry.
Have a good weekend, my beloved peoples. And I hope that most of us will get to enjoy that eclipse on Monday that I keep hearing about.
I’m praying the day will be clear and wonderful!
Until we meet again, my peoples! Have a wonderful week!
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