Alone and Awesome

Being single, silly, and secure

Loyalty is a Myth…

None of us are good.
There is no one faithful to be found.
All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Loyalty is a myth…

Welcome back, my beloved peoples.

My mind has been in want to wander over the ways we view our lives. I was recently asked to test a media where you can watch numerous bible studies, (which, by the way, it is awesome), and have already gone through two series that I found both reassuring and a little painful, (side fact—In case you’re unaware, God’s Word is a double-edged sword and heals as well as hurts, but does not kill).

There is a series I’ve been watching that is for single women and I have found it interesting. The things I used to say about how great being single is have began to fade. I am wanting to be loved and wanting to be in a relationship, but still I remain single. I see this as a problem caused by my past; I don’t trust men, I don’t like men, I don’t need men. At least that’s how I have been. There is nothing wrong with them, I get along well with almost each man I meet, but as soon as one shows a hint of interest in me I shun them and never turn my back on them.

I’m perfectly straight, just so you can rest assured. I am hoping a kindhearted, strong, sweet and funny man will step into my life one day and change it forever, but as I learned in this session I’ve been watching, Marriage Fixes Nothing.

What problems you have when you enter marriage, you’ll have IN the marriage. I’ve not been married, or even in a real dating situation, but when the speaker in this session told me that what issues you have, like lust and anxiety, roll over into your marriage and thrive there as well, It Blew My Mind.

Why didn’t I realize that? Why didn’t I realize why the Apostle Paul says it is more blessed to be single than married? When you’re married it’s two imperfect people mixing their lives and working through twice as many problems. Trying to solve twice as many issues. Marriage is harder than being single. When you’re single you’re free.

You’re Free.

You are bound only by the walls you build around you. If you have no kids, no spouse, and no duty except to your job then you have an incredible freedom that marriage will actually take from you.

Now, I would like to be married someday, but it may never happen. A while ago I was perfectly content with being single, but then I met some guy that I started to like and suddenly I wanted to be married. The problem is it’s not meant to be. I am a Christian, (to you reading this who are not, please keep with me), so it would hurt my faith and lifestyle to be with someone who is not.

Last year I wrote a list of “Yes” and “No.” The Yes list was all the things I wanted in a man. The “No” list was everything I should avoid at all costs.

Over half of the “No” list is how I would describe the man I liked!

And so, it was made clear to me the I am not the best judge of character, nor am I that willing to stick to my own lists. I am friends with the man, but keep a distance so to spare my heart the pain I feel when he smiles and I remember, “This is never going to happen and should never happen.”

Being single can be hard, but if you think on all the trials you’d have carrying not only your burdens, but the burdens of your spouse, you start to appreciate the freedom you have. I know I have! These past couple of months I’ve been loathsome towards my singleness. I hated being alone all the time. I hated not having someone texting or calling me just to make me smile and to make my heart flutter.

What a sad few months it’s been…

Now, don’t misunderstand me. Marriage is a blessing, and not for the faint of heart. To love someone so much you’re willing to share your life and trouble with them, and to take part of their life and trouble, is an incredible amount of love. And for all I know I am merely restraining that much love because I have been hurt before. A guarded heart is not a free heart, and that brings me to the title of this blog.

For three years I have believed there is NO Such THING As LOYALTY.  I believe it to my core. My heart is so guarded against pain that opening up to people makes me laugh. When someone says, “If you ever want to talk, I’ll listen,” I thank them, but in my heart I know I’ll never tell them my real problems.

Or, perhaps it is because I loudly proclaim my truest issues with a smile on my face.

“I have trust issues,” I say with a smile. To so many people that sounds like a funny exaggeration, but truthfully, it is one of my greatest flaws. I hate standing in lines because there are men behind me. It makes my skin crawl, and my temper to rise. People ask why I have such sudden mood swings from a great mood to a scowl. Well, chances are some guy looked at me a way I didn’t like and I am suddenly hating all men.

Why is that? Because I think they’re all pigs.

I don’t want to insult any of the men that read this, (because I’m sure there are a few), but this is my guarded heart at work. I love men, I absolutely love so many of you, but as soon as one makes me feel uncomfortable in the slightest I darken, I close up, lock up, and watch my back as if I expect someone to attack me.

Know I’m working on this problem—because it is a problem! How can you explain your mood swings and hatred of a co-worker that has done nothing wrong?

“Because he’s a guy and he looked at me funny,” won’t fly in the work place.

It’s a problem… and only God can help me through this.

People think they can solve problems, and some may be able to. They may be able to help you dig up the roots of your problem and try to dispose of them, but if you don’t plant something good in its place then the problem will regrow and thrive in a new way. Maybe it’ll be bigger and heavier to carry…

We all have issues buried inside of us. We deal with them differently. Some can deal with them in safe and sane ways, but I have a long road of work ahead of me. I am going to spend more time with God discussing this and letting him heal my hurt heart, (because God is my healer and no human can help me. All another human could do is tell me what I know).

God can fill the turned soil of my uprooted problem. He can plant a tree of life in it’s place.

There was a Tree of Life in the garden of Eden that could grant eternal life if one ate of the fruit. But sin came, and God was merciful enough to keep Adam and Even from eating of it. Because what kind of a hell would it be to live eternally in a world filled with sin? So, we cannot get to this tree. We cannot have eternal life by eating this fruit.

However, God gave us a new Tree of Life, and that tree is Jesus Christ. To be washed in his blood washes away the sin that stained us from the moment of birth. The sin we inherited from the first people on this planet. And the blood also gives us the eternal life with God that we missed out on when Sin entered this world.

So, I may have trust issues, but there is one thing I can’t doubt no matter how hard I try.

I am washed clean of my sin through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, and given eternal life to spend with him one day in the new paradise he will create. Now, I know nothing of Heaven, but I know I have nothing to lose. Death will visit us all, but I’d rather have hope that a new life in a new paradise is ahead of me.

When it comes to human beings, Loyalty may be a myth, but when it comes to God, there is no one more loyal than the Holy One that created you and calls you His child.

I hope I gave you something to think about. My mind has been rolling over this stuff all day, so I had to get it out. Notice this post is in the middle of the week instead of the weekend like normal? Yeah, it’s been hanging over my head that much.

Well, I need to eat some supper and get ready for bed. Work has been crazy!

Have a good week, my friends. And remember to embrace the person you are. Married or single, you are an incredible person. I know that because God made you, and he doesn’t make trash. You’re more wonderful than the most colorful and breathtaking sunrise.

Think on that.

God bless



1 Comment

  1. mendellrachel7

    Some wonderful thoughts … I’m glad I came to visit. Looking forward to more. Thank you for being honest. R


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