Learning Patience—the hard way
Good day and good evening fellow users of eyeballs! To all my peoples I say it again, good day and good evening!
I am currently sitting at a crooked angle to my desk with my leg elevated on a stack of boxes with a pillow beneath it and ice on top. Yes, my dear word comprehenders, I have a potentially broken toe—though I believe it to be a minor fracture. I have kept it taped up and cared for, but I knew this would happen one day. Four years of Shinsei Hapkido without a serious injury is much too lucky, (Well, there was the giant bruise that made my knee swell up twice its size, and then the elbow in the face that cut open the inside of my lip, then the choke hold that gave me my phobia of being choked, and lets not forget the jammed finger!).
So… I contradict myself.
Since I am having difficulty walking, I must slow down.
I hate slowing down.
I’m too impatient.
I don’t like this.
I absolutely HATE this.
The above is how I speak lately. I’ll admit the pain of the toe is not my problem. I can deal with pain, but when the pain gets in the way of how I live life then, THEN, I get frustrated and acknowledge the pain. I admit that my two best friends and even my supervisor happened to witness my frustration, and it is not pretty. Pain doesn’t make me cry, but painful limitations can bring me to unstoppable tears that roll without a care down my cheeks. I hate slowing down. I hate not being able to do the best I can do.
I hate being patient…
Now, that isn’t the end of the story. Big surprise, right? Right.
To add to this my car is acting up. Now, I’m not a crazy driver, but I do stay in the 5 mile grace. Always. Lots of confessions in this post, right? I’m fully aware of what’s going on.
God is teaching me patience.
You know how it works when you ignore what God is trying to teach you? At first he pokes you a little, then a bit harder, and before you know it there are bricks just narrowly missing your head! God won’t hurt you, but if there is something you need to learn you will learn it eventually. Sometimes we’re willing to learn and don’t fight it, but other times, like me these past weeks, we fight it and take the blows like an idiot.
God says, “I’m teaching you patience.”
I reply, “Don’t wanna learn.”
Then: my car brakes get messed up so I can’t drive fast without issues.
I say, “I don’t wanna learn patience.”
Then: I keep ending up behind really slow cars that I can’t pass.
I say, “I don’t want to learn patience.”
God says, “You really should listen to me and slow down, or things will get worse.”
I reply, “I don’t care. I’ll be impatient all I want.”
Then: The brakes get even worse.
I say, “No.”
Then: I break my toe and can only hobble around work and grow so frustrated I cry.
I say, “I still don’t want to learn!”
Then: The oil is leaking so fast the dipstick is dry every time I check it, which could ruin my car for good, and so I lose lots of money on oil.
God says, “Will you let me teach you patience?”
I say, “I know you’re trying to teach me patience, Father, but why the heck do I have to learn it!? This is too frustrating. I don’t like slowing down!”
Isn’t it sad that we talk to our creator this way…? We may not speak that way exactly every time, but to not obey is to say ‘No,’ and thus our problems being. We aren’t perfect, but Those of us who belong to Jesus Christ are working towards perfection, and God slowly shows us what we need to work on so we can reach that goal.
‘Patience, My Love,’ is what he tells us, ‘I am creating you into a perfect being like me. Greater than the angels. Stronger than Death. More beautiful than the most majestic sunrise. You are my masterpiece, but I am not yet done with you.’
I’ll admit another thing—I haven’t been seeking after God’s will for me. I have one thing that I refuse to release, but I don’t see how learning patience and releasing this one desire are connected…
Perhaps I have to release it as I learn to wait patiently for it to return to me in the way God wishes me to receive it…? Who knows the mind of God? No one can fathom what he plans for his children and for his entire world. God is not going to sleep. He does not rest when we do. When we sleep he remains awake, and so do his angels that protect us, and the Holy Spirit that lives inside of us. We are never alone, we are never without defense, but we treat God like a wishing star and only bother him when we’re filled with heavy emotion.
Only when these emotions fill us do we speak to God. When we go about our daily lives we tend to forget who is allowing us to breathe and walk and do all that we do. In any moment it can be taken away. My mobility was taken to force me to slow down and meditate on what God wants me to learn from Him, and instead of fighting until I have no car and break my toe entirely, I decide to sit back and let Him teach me. I love Him, but he is all-powerful and a master who deserves our reverence and fear.
I have friends now that aren’t saved… I pray daily for them and their families and sometimes I can’t look at them without feeling the distance like a knife in my heart. But what can I do? We aren’t the ones that save people. God can use us, but in the end it is Jesus who does the saving. To those who are perishing it is foolishness, and that kills me, because how could God use a goofy weirdo like me to save the people I love…? And what if I never see that day? What if I have to go to the funeral with uncertainty in my heart…?
Those thoughts keep me up at night. I have fallen to sleep with tears because of that fear.
I don’t know why I’m telling you this. My posts don’t spread very far and I never know who reads them. It’s my prayer that those who understand this and those who need to understand this will read this post and, hopefully, find what you need.
Brothers, sisters, and children of God who are living in and of the world, I pray you find what you need. Not what you want or what you hope for, but what God wants for you, because He will always know better than us.
No matter what lesson you’re currently learning, I know you’ll be okay. Our God is a God of mercy, love, and peace. He wants what’s best for us, even when it feels like he’s dragging us through hell. But I’d rather He drag me through hell than anyone else, because I trust He will bring me back out of the flames with the ability to resist them from that point on, because that’s what He does.
He creates a greater man and woman from where we are.
God bless each of you. May His light shine on your path and lead you to perfect peace.
… Now I need to get back to working on slowing down. Hah…