Alone and Awesome

Being single, silly, and secure

Heart sick

Hello once again, my peoples.

Two weeks! Two weeks I have been feeling crappy. No food helps. No medicine helps. No encouraging words help. Nothing has been able to make me feel better. I can hardly rise above feeling 60%. I wonder these days if I am at a point where I will not reach 100% again…

I am also gloomy. When I am happy I feel fine, but as soon as it grows silent and I am left to dwell on my own, my stomach begins to ache and my eyes moisten and refuse to stop watering. This is why I have come to believe it is a sickness in my heart that is causing my ill state.

There has been a lot going on. To my left are good things that bring me great joy, and on my right are the shadows of dreadful bad tidings and things of which I cannot avoid, yet am trying to hide from. They are both piling up on either side of me, like over-stacked bookshelves not bolted to the walls. They lean in from the weight and one or two books fall and hit me, though I try to dodge them, I cannot. Soon the shelves will fall and I will be crushed beneath them and the books they carried.

Have I lost you?

The people that know me will tell me I have simply taken on too many projects and need to let one or two things go. This is not the problem. I have been getting a lot done with my projects and they bring me joy, not stress.

Prov. 14:13 says: Even in laughter the heart may ache, and rejoicing may end in grief.
And Prov. 14:30: A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.

I just started looking up versus about the heart since, when I close my eyes, the images that bring me grief are heart related. In deeper contemplation I discovered I am clinging to something that is weighing me down. Something that is injuring me. I’m holding onto it, but it’s like a chain by a fire and burns my fingers the longer I hold on. I know without a doubt it is this one thing, and everything I make of it, that is bringing me the pain and sickness I feel…

Prov. 4:23: Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.

I haven’t taken time to guard my heart. Nor have I “disciplined my mine” as I say I would in our karate creed. Yet, even though I know the problem and I see the outcome, it is difficult to free myself. When I see God open a door to help me escape, I stand and look at it a while before deciding not to pass through. I foolishly stand here hoping this pain will bring me the outcome I desire, but deep down inside I already know it won’t. I already know I need to release it and give the problem to God.

We try too hard to fix things on our own. It brings us to a breaking point we thought we would never reach. We tend to forget just how weak we are.
We aren’t what wake us in the morning.
We aren’t breathing because we decided to.
We can’t do what we do every day because we chose to do it.

God wakes us up each morning: He decides we should live another day.
God is the one who gives us breath: He decided we were worth creating.
And God is the one who plans our days, even when we think we’re going to sit around and do nothing: If there is something we must do, He makes sure it gets done.

Over-thinking is my greatest enemy. When my mind takes over and makes a small issue the forefront of my thoughts then I know I need to change. Three years ago I wrote a poem about this problem, and now, three years later, I find myself in the exact same boat, only with different people involved.

Crazy how that happens…

The “Features Image” is directly from that poem. I wasn’t going to share it in this post, but since it is an image of how history repeats itself, I felt I should place it where we can each read it.

Glass Heart Box, by Esther L. Mendell

One dreary day my heart away into a box I cast it.
There it will stay until, God may, I find someone to fix it.
A deep knife gash, a fatal bash are two wounds that I feel.
“Why?” I mused, hurt and confused, “my pain can no one heal?”

One solid beat within the sheet, the white strips that protect it.
A tiny light that I just might find someone to correct it.
The painful path that I have led, the damage I’ve sustained…
I lay awake, in fear I shake. “The box it can’t contain…

“My bleeding heart, so torn apart by loved ones and this life.
I can’t go on. Lord, don’t prolong this pain so like a knife.”
My prayer aloud to empty crowd, the box clutched to my chest.
A hollow beat, weak in defeat, at once it heaved its last.

heart box

The poem is filled with what happens when you look to people for help. I should have learned my lesson by now that other human beings may be here to help, but they are not the ones that heal our broken hearts. Three years ago chaos started and many things in my life exploded. In the last two years I’ve recovered and moved on in life, but now I’ve stumbled back into the same mess I came out of, only in a new situation. Either way, the people in my life can’t help me.

I avoid the healing I need because I’m scared to let go…

I’m sure you can relate.

I want each of you to know that we fall time and time again, and sometimes we just don’t learn our lessons. Know you’re not alone. This is why God gave us forgiveness through His son, Jesus Christ. We can’t help but sin. We are sin. God knows this and so He gave us a chance to be saved. To believe in His son is to be saved, but it doesn’t make life easy. We still suffer, that’s what this world is.

“Why do good people suffer” you ask? Well, that’s because we all suffer. Even the one who lived a sinless life suffered, but His suffering was greater than any of ours. After all, nothing is certain in life except death, but with Jesus Christ we know that in death we will enter into eternal life. That’s what I need to remember when I give my heart to pain and worldly desires.

We are destructive sinners… each and every one of us.

Thank God there’s hope…

I hope this post wasn’t too depressing. I am still feeling really sick…



1 Comment

  1. B

    I hope you feel better 🙂


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